How to write really miserable emails

Nine orders of Angels

To write really miserable emails follow these rules:

1. Make sentences one kilometer long.
2. Use acronyms like no tomorrow. Mix them with other common ones.
3. Use long Latin words instead of simple ones.
4. Chain logical propositions, preferably in circles.
5. Don’t forget the formal beginning/ending phrases.

This will do magic. For instance, this message:

Next week, 01 June, we will review our plans, as they are not clear enough. I propose to use this file (link) to put your comments before the meeting. See you. …

transforms into that:

Subject: XSPPS DEP exercise

Dear Team,
Over the past months commencing in hard collaboration with our colleagues we’ve been working on DEP proposal in connection to highly expected OGGRE results, for which I’m willing to express my gratitude to you. However, having said that, I have to admit that quality finalization of the XSP+ was not satisfactory, as it could be explained by numerous projects progressing with different pace, therefore we mark this path as XSPPS DEP not compatible with UPER UPS, to let lurking activities hit ambitious target in the midst of ambiguities and over other operational traps.
In order to provide further action with determination of the fixing of the problem, you will collect information/data/reports from PXT team to be shared and communicated within the appropriate framework BBC and CBS of the forthcoming workshop at our premises June 1st 2019.
With definite and unconditional hope to our everlasting communication and collaboration, let me rely on your paved steps in our XSPPS+ v2 ladder, to remove the waste from the loss tree in space we deliver ™ in vivo and vino.

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